what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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