I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
