she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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