Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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