Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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