im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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