I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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