I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize