there's paper in my vomit.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
