Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
