I feel great
I just peed on a car
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
