I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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