the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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