so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
