I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
