i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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