I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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