I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
accomplished twins. life is a go
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
