fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Randomize
