that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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