when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
