I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
