Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize