i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
