So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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