my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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