I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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