i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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