My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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