I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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