Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
