omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
