i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
