her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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