I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
