You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
