My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
