when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
