the condom got lost in my hair
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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