Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
