Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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