hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
