Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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