Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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