Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
