You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
