I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
