just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
