i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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