YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
