I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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