My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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