My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
