I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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