Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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