My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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