I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
