Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
