Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
